I can hear my wise mind. Not all the time, but some of the time. I stopped listening to it and then stopped hearing it years ago because I felt I couldn’t trust it. It is so sure that everything will be ok. So I was so sure that everything would be ok. And then one day, I felt like it was wrong, like it had has gotten things wrong, and I could no longer trust it. And I no longer knew everything would be ok.
Part of this ‘journey’ is learning to hear my wise mind again. That’s not necessarily hard, but letting it in and accepting what it says as true is… a challenge. In part, I feel like a fool if I listen to it. Because it says I am liked; I am lovable; my life is going great; I will see purpose in hard times when I look back. These are all things that did occur when I used to trust my wise mind. I had a chat with my wise mind tonight. I’m so low. I want to die. Less so after the chat, though. Here it is:
Are you there wise mind? You are there. Making me smile, giving me comfort from the inside. Is this going to change? No. No, my life is going to be pain. Says my wise mind.
Wise mind says there’s no reason to keep doing this. There’s no predetermined morality in being alive or staying alive. Coming or going won’t affect some cosmic chalkboard of points. Life is chaos.
Me: So there is no predetermined path?
Me: So, why is my life so miserable?
WM: Because you’re trying to make it into something, fit a mould rather than letting it evolve, become.
Me: But if I let it become do I get what I want? Do I get love? WM: You’re doing it again, trying to make it fit rather than become. What is love? Can you feel it?
WM: Has anything changed in your outward experience?
Me: No. So how do I do this, let life become and feel love all the time?
WM: Practice. You go to dbt. You learn that trauma is not all there is. You find acceptance in yourself.
Me: It hurts and makes me feel sick.
WM: No, it doesn’t. The trauma and trying not to do this hurts and feels sick.
Me: You’re not responding to what I want to know.
WM: You will not attract broken people when that is not what you are drawing. You will attract happy people when you are happy.
Me: But I was happy before and attracted broken people, didn’t I?
WM: [sometimes talks in first person] I got caught up. I flew in and didn’t fly away.
Me: Am I ever going to be in a relationship again? If I go through dbt will I find a loving, lasting relationship?
WM: Yes you will.
Me: I feel sick. Is that me letting it in?
WM: Yes. You are letting it in. Me: Do I push it away [am I doing that now/in the past]?
Help me. Let me have the life I want. If it’s not the best for me let me see that, please. Let me have a wonderful partner who adds to my life. Whom I love more than I’ve loved a partner, who loves me more than they’ve loved another. Let me have that please. If it is the case that that’s not the best for my life please let me have it and see it for myself. Why won’t you let me? Are you stopping me having that? What is stopping me having that?
WM: My own self uncertainty. My own self awareness and diminishment.
Me: But lots of people have that.
WM: Yeah but you don’t want the sort of partner who is ok with that.
Me: Yes, I do. I want a partner like M [recent guy I dated]. I would take M as my partner. Or b. Or c. Or d. Or e. Or f. I would fall in love with all of them and be with them and none of them will have me. Why?
WM: Because you are broken. And they see that, and you want them to fill the holes within you. And because of that you are fearful about making them know they matter and are special to you and you can’t talk to them.
Me: Is there a way I can change this so I can be with someone I will love and they really love me, genuinely me?
WM: You need to love you. This is not the bit you want answered. But you love you. That aspect [having a partner] is not for answering. But love you. My gosh, the upwelling, the joy.
Me: Ok, so how do I do that? Please talk to me?
WM: Enjoy life. Marvel at the wonder. Engage, truly, joyously. Embrace wise mind and the feelings that come with it until that is all you are, all you feel and it is what you are in every scenario. Laugh with you, by you. Breathe the way you want to live. Experience life from the inside.
Me: And if you’re wrong?
WM: Haha, then you’re spending your life laughing while finding out I’m wrong.
Me: So it’s the best idea either way. You’re so wise.
WM: Hike. Get up and hike in the morning. Look at funny memes. Find one thing to laugh at every day. And laugh. Find the comedy.